Sunday, September 2, 2012

Love fixes the broken clock

I feel like a cluster of broken thoughts and body of aching cells. It started raining heavily in the middle of the night, it was 2.39am on the clock and I haven't slept well the entire night. I tried but my mind wasn't trying at all. Flash after flash of haunting thoughts bugged me, telling me I am as hopeless and dense as one can be. I found myself asking, where that girl might be who knew what she wanted and how she wanted. I am a soul in a deep fish bowl with food to survive, but just to survive.

I feel half alive, a little daft and lost. I want the entire house to myself, and for all the planets' people to disappear like a swiping wind across Sahara. My face probably reflects a list of worries and struggles and guilt, my hair still wet from the morning shower cupping the sides of my cheeks, tugged back neatly behind my chilled ears. I was supposed to feel fresh and lighter after that but here I am, typing distressful things and my mind feels like a broken clock, its second hand just going ticking over and over on the last count of 59s to 60s unable to go beyond. I feel stuck in time, a time I wish I didn't belong to. 

All it takes is a call from my love(r) and everything feels perfectly in sync, all my gears in my rusting engine oiled with the sound of his just-aroused-from-a-deep-slumber voice. Like rays of sunshine reflected on drops of diamonds, he brightens up all the thriving darkness taking its life in me. Sometimes, he knows me better than I know myself and I can't help building a wall around me only to have him break it down as soon. He probably has known me all this life, stalking me all this while. I could hear his voice all day long and his snores all night long and be placated. I have loved before him, but he has taught me to love in a way I had never knew I could and it feels beautiful loving him with my entire heart. I struggled a lot giving him space in my life because I felt he didn't deserve me and now, I do not know how to love him as much as he loves me. 


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