Thursday, August 29, 2013

Baby at 6.5 weeks: Nausea hits

Dear Bub,

I feel like you are enjoying yourself, laughing even every time I start to feel terrible and probably thinking to yourself, "Mummy, I am just training you, and you are doing soooooo good!" Yesterday, I did a horrible thing to your Daddy. I woke him up in the middle of the night, begged and later dragged him out of his sleepy state of mind to take me out for a drive and maybe some Chinese breakfast, at 5am! It was crazy but all I wanted was to get out of the house. The whole room was stinking to me and obviously, I couldn't sleep. Your Daddy was pissed, but he is learning the hormones are something he can't avoid and it is better if he deals with it in smiles and sunshines than a tiny little frown.

We drove to Burwood  Highway, with the 24 hours K-mart in mind but later I remembered the Singaporean-Malaysian restaurant across the street and all we wanted to do was snuggle in some Roti Prata and a plate of Mee Goreng with a cup of Malaysian Tea. But it was closed. The problem with Melbourne is that there are only a few eateries that opens early and closes late. We drove around a bit and since I wasn't up for The Pancake Parlour or any other fancy restaurants in the city (and I wasn't dressed at all for it), we drove to Box Hill and as expected it was a dead city except for McDonalds which I would have love to eat but your Daddy was persistent in having something healthy. So we sat down and ordered some expensive waffles which was extremely sweet and too thick, completely not what I could stomach. One bite and I was done. My eyes kept roving around for the bread shop next door to open and the instant the gates shuttered up, I grabbed a deep fried sausage bun. I am loving sausages now something which I used to avoid before. I had a bite and it wasn't as good as I thought it would be but I didn't want to be such a picky eater and so I ate it bite by bite, slowly. It was nice but at that moment, all I wanted was McDonalds. I learnt then that I shouldn't be so unpersuasive when it comes to food. If my stomach or you demand this specific food, I need to convince your Daddy all other food are not an option. Your Daddy learnt that as he rushed through morning traffic to get me home before I puked all over his new car.

I ran straight into the door, one shoe accidentally got stuck in between the ajar door but I couldn't be bothered and went straight for the toilet bowl. This morning at around 7am, we celebrated our first puke. Your Daddy just stared from the door in total amazement and barely made out his next few words. "Are you fine?" And I was completely fine. The only thing I wanted to do next, after emptying my stomach was sleep and I slept until 11.30am like a baby until your Daddy came waking me up. The whole of yesterday, after every meal, I am been throwing up. Until your Daddy came home from work and fixed me a fresh salmon congee from scratch and it was the first food I could hold in throughout the day. I was starving and literally shaking from hunger and weakness, by the time the congee was ready. I always feel like you want your Daddy's love, maybe that is how you reward him.

All that puking has stopped today, funnily. Though I am so tired that we came home from Springvale and I instantly zonked out for hours straight while your Daddy fixed our next mounting TV unit. But today, I have also been eating all the food I am craving for. I thought I could eat all of the Char Sui Pau but after a few bites, I was done. Instead, I was aiming for your Daddy's Vietnamese Roll with BBQ pork slices. I had seen the lady put drops of fish sauce in it and I was all queasy seeing it but my lord, it was the best thing in the world. I couldn't stop myself. While your Daddy finished the rest of my pau, I took small but delicious bites of it. And since I can't eat too much, I couldn't have it all and more and now, I can't stop thinking about how gorgeous that entire combination was, even with all the vegetables in there which I can't seem to stand. Baby oh baby, you make food all the more confusing for me than ever.

So I have this intense cravings for all types of noodles and your Daddy doesn't let me have instant noodles (one day I gave in, despite knowing it was a horrible food lacking in proper nutrients and very high in MSG and I woke up hungry twice in a row, something which has yet to happen.) I never liked Pho but today, I was walking about the Vietnamese suburb and I saw people biting into chunky pieces of beef and rice noodles and a hot bowl of soup and I wanted it terribly but I knew I couldn't hold it in and I wouldn't be able to have more than four bites of it and besides, from personal experiences all of these food are spiked with too much MSG and I really don't have the stomach size to drown water like a whale that I used to be before and with the onset of dehydration from yesterday's puking incidents, it was only going to be a bad idea. So I got a step smarter, bought some pork bones and made a broth out of it for more than three hours under fire and had it with egg noodles. Absolutely heavenly! I love it when your Daddy is home because when he is home, the entire environment of the home is so vastly different and naturally, I feel good.

Puking incident nailed down to zero from thrice after every main meal before supper with Daddy yesterday has something to account for. Your Daddy is the man!

With love,

*29 June 2013

Monday, August 26, 2013

Baby at six weeks

Dear sesame seed,

I am still the normal - no symptoms of you on the way and somehow it is starting to frighten me if you are still there, pumping your soft little sweet heart. I feel you are a girl now. Okay, maybe the symptoms are starting. I have been getting real feisty and weepy. I was pretty much an emotional roller coaster before we conceived you but now, its like triple the drama and your Daddy is not all that happy about it.

For the last two nights, I keep getting sour stomach, when I lie down in bed. Sour stomach like when you have gastric flu and your burp smells like rotten greenish eggs, except that it is without the burp so most times I get very frustrated. I guess what you call that symptom is queasy, almost on the verge of throwing up. So far bub, I haven't thrown up yet which is only a good thing because you are getting all the nutrients and vitamins you need, especially at night when I take those special pills for pregnant mothers-to-be. I could also be starting to have swollen fingers because my wedding ring doesn't feel as comfortable as it used to and I feel like it is restricting blood flow in my ring finger but it is still not dangerously tight and I am not removing it as of yet because I couldn't stand the sight of my hand without it and I don't think it will be any different with you in the picture. I also am no longer in love with the idea of yellow dhal and bhat with Nepali masu.  Its not really the lentils and meat, definitely not the meat, but more appropriately the rice! I, no longer, wish to eat rice at all.

This morning I had fixed sardines with baked beans and carrots to be served with brown rice for lunch but all I could manage was a few bites and I gave up. It didn't taste good at all. I have stashed it away in the fridge and hopefully, your Daddy will finish it for me. And then, I got really weepy because all I am crazily craving for is thin-crusted pizzas and BBQ chicken with coriander-tomato chutney, so much so that I am literally salivating as I type. When I don't get to eat the food I want, everything taste like it is the worst food in the world and I don't even want to put it near my mouth. Your Daddy hasn't gotten this part because he thinks these cravings are things that you can feed along the way and it irritates me. I am still obsessed with Whooper burgers though, without the pickles, tomatoes, onions and most of the lettuce and the sour ketchup but I can't even finish one burger properly, forget the entire meal which I used to easily eat it whole before I fell pregnant. I would know because when we got hungry in the middle of the night, your Daddy would drive us to the nearest 24 hours Hungry Jacks and I would be gobbling up most of the fries while your Daddy finds a suitable place for him to stop so he can join in the food feast as well.

It is probably because of the sheer small size my stomach has gotten that every two hours I am hungry. Just for instance, today, my food diary is like this:

Breakfast of milo and two slices of toast with strawberry jam
A few bites of sardine and brown rice for lunch
A whole pear and half of an avocado
A handful and a half of almonds and walnuts
A cup of milo with eight cream crackers biscuits
A bowl of brown rice with a stir-fry of spinach-tofu and chopping cashews for dinner

And low behold, I am actually thinking of what else I can eat because I feel myself getting hungry. Even one hour maybe, instead of every two hours. I am already thinking how yummy Milo would be with more biscuits! This way, I will be putting more weight than we both can imagine, need to and it really wouldn't be ideal because I already wasn't at the perfect weight I had wanted to be when we conceived you. But eat I have to. Your Daddy is worried I am not eating enough and of course he should be, because I was never a snack-eater, so having to get into the habit of eating 7-10 small meals is something I really have got to get used to. If I don't eat then I start to get the same sour stomach and I am so lazy to get out of bed on these cold days to grab food in the middle of the night. For the last two days, I have been squeamish and amazingly every time your Daddy rubs you and tells you to calm down and let me go to sleep, things happen and I feel soothed and all that anxiety and irritability disappears as quickly as it appeared. You must have been wanting your Daddy's loving to put me in such distress and it is only fine by right for you to want all that because when he talks to you, I know he loves you more than the world beyond.

There are a lot of things going on in my head at the moment and I hope with all my heart that you forgive me for everything I am putting you through and I hope with all my life that you are shielded from all the emotional stress I am indirectly and not willingly placed upon you.

With love,


Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Doubt and assurance; Actual 4.5 weeks

Dear bub,

We received a call from our doctor in the morning, it was an exciting one! Your Daddy was right beside me in bed while the doctor told me the results came out positive, and I echoed back, "It came back positive!" He didn't seem excited or anything but the moment I put the phone down and place my phone away, your Daddy gave me too many kisses. Your Daddy is the happiest man alive and I am so glad you are the reason.   Before the call, we were halfway there believing it.

But he also mentioned that we are so early into the pregnancy with my low HCG level, with you being at just four weeks along; this gives us another 36 months of wait to hold you! I had initially counted it to be 5-6 weeks along but maybe I got a little way too ahead of myself (well, you know child, how excited I can get!) This also sends me into a wave of relief because I was feeling bad I wasn't already on the vitamin and folic acid pills before we had you in our lives, now it gives me a few days to a week to comfort my guilt.

The low HCG level also brings to why I am not getting any symptoms except a bugging want to eat burgers and meat, and not in a lady-like manner but in a very caveman kind of a way. Something tells me you are a boy. Old Wives' Tales  says signs like those are all boy-carrying and oh yes, salty food and spicy food! Having zero to none morning symptoms yet also points to carrying a male child but, maybe we are taking about hatching eggs far too early! Well, I hope you are a boy for many reasons, especially atypical in our culture of having a son to carry on the family's pride and wealth but your Daddy for some reason wishes our first child to be a girl - this I suppose is most father's wishes.

You know how every Biology lesson I took regarding pregnancy doesn't prepare one for what they are really into. Its all tricky, web-like structure. There is a million little things floating in my mind about how we are going to raise you. I plan on being a working mom and I wonder if it does make you think I don't want to spend time with you or your siblings. I know I need to work and be a dreamer of both my children and my own success and see all of our dreams come true. Does this make me sound selfish? All these thoughts makes me feel like a really bad and undeserving mother, my stay-at-home sisters don't make it easier for me.   I will make it clear right now that it is essentially not for the money I want to join the workforce once you are about six months old, but for my need to be someone I am proud of, someone you will be proud of as well. I know you will be proud of me as a stay-at-home mom as well but I guess you need to meet me to know the kind of a woman I am. Your Daddy is the most magically thing that happened to me. He understands me in and out and you and I are the luckiest to have him in our lives because he is a ridiculously gracious man. I feel really blessed. There's breastfeeding and the type of environment we want to nurture you in. Your Daddy says I think too far ahead (and of course, he is right because he is Mr-Forever-Right we are only one month down the count down!) As long as your Daddy thinks I will be a good mother to you, I am assured.

With love,

*18 June 2013

Monday, August 19, 2013

Dear baby at 5 weeks

Today, your Daddy and I did the pregnancy test after a week of waiting. Until in the morning, your Daddy was a heck of a boy, not wanting to believe you are here to meet us earlier than we thought and so he insisted on an appointment with a doctor and in the next three hours, we were walking down to Clayton Road Doctors, a GP clinic, to get referrals for blood test which is booked this following Monday and, eventually a referral to Monash Medicare Centre where we plan to have you.

This morning, we started out fine, I woke up late 7, with a need to pee. So I gathered the test kit and a pail scoop and went peeing away. Your Daddy, he hasn't slept at all or well into the night so, I just told him I needed to pee and he said, he'll join me soon. Your Daddy claims he couldn't sleep much at all because he couldn't stop thinking if we have a baby on the way, so much so that he had asked me to take the test as we called it a night. Anyway, I took forever to pee and do the test, or maybe he was too anxious and curious, he popped out of bed and we hugged, I cried because I was scared I guess, and I still am. He went to check on the results, and it turned negative! You were not here, I could dance if I wanted to but I knew I still had to drink milk instead of caffeine loaded tea for breakfast. Your Daddy seemed confused and without reaction for most of the part because that is just how he is - he needs an equation and he needs to solve it and all I gave him was half an equation; I am never late with my period! 

But you were here indeed, much later, I was about to throw the kit into the bin when I saw the positive strip coloured as well, I suppose we checked on too early to tell because the stain was just moving towards the end of the strip. The doctor assured us that its not a leakage or a false positive as we suspected it was because, apparently, only a particular pregnancy hormones, the HCG can make the second line appear. Your Daddy is so ecstatic! He can't stop talking about the future with you; the nauren and more, wish I could specifically remember it all for you but sorry, I can't seem to. Me, on the other hand, I am just happy and doing whatever I can do to keep your safe and protected. Your Daddy is an amazing man, he slept last night rubbing you saying, "Don't hurt mummy too much." 

Well, I just started on my pregnancy multivitamins and I sprung awake at 2am in the morning like it was already 9am. I could point to the pills but I wouldn't know. It is close to 5am now, your Daddy is sound asleep and I feel myself getting tired as well. 

You are going to be one exciting ride to take, we know. I am starting to feel a little more tired these last two days and sharp cramping-like, suspected to be implantation pains, otherwise, I don't feel pregnant. Long drives irks me out especially since they give me stiff backs; the same every weekend drive to Frankston, Aunt Sue's home, seems like double the time it used to feel like and we are still at a tiny sesame seed that you are now. 

How are you feeling little bub? Are we taking good care of you? Are you nice and warm and enjoying the vitamins? What about all those meat cravings and dhal and bhat, are you as satisfied as I am? 

With love,

*15 June 2013

Monday, August 12, 2013

Letter to our first child: Week 4

I think we are expecting you. I haven't been experiencing anything funky except Miss Scarlett decided she doesn't want to visit me this month, so I am two days late. It is amazing that there is no breast tenderness, bloating or all those things early pregnancy symptoms tend to be. Maybe, a few days ago when I got so angry at your Daddy for wearing his work cargo pants on a weekend, while we go shopping for furniture and  I burst into the darkest of fireworks, was probably one of my signs. While this hasn't really come with a huge surprise, we wish you had given us a little more chance to settle down but baby, you are so wanted.Your darling Daddy and I were planning to have you mid-year 2015 but I guess you couldn't wait to join us.  I can't imagine what else will make your Daddy more happier than you will and I am counting down the week from now impatiently (and little dread) as I pee on a test stick and wave to your Daddy a positive.

Your Daddy is really fantastic with kids. Me, on the other hand, I am horrible..terrible with kids. I lack the patience, I am very temperamental and way too moody for my own good. I hope you will be like your Daddy and know that is how I am and let me be because without all those, I am not me. With you entering our lives soon, plans of ours are going to have a take a long hike until you and your siblings are old enough to leave us to our own world. I am glad you have entered our lives now, impolitely because baby, I was always afraid of the idea of falling pregnant, the hardship of motherhood and going through the whole career setbacks. But I am accepting the fact that you were meant to be and I am convinced to struggle to pass through my exams and with flying color, definitely, while I still have you in my tummy. Life after all is all about endurance.

You are a motivation for each of us to be better person and I don't know how this is possible but there is so much love for you consuming my entire now and we are not even sure you exist. Your Daddy still believes Miss Scarlett just got lost around the way and will be knocking soon and more than I will admit, I hope he is right. Miss Scarlett, could you please come, please! But signs of pregnancy are getting pronounced or perhaps, I am just over thinking. I made some momos for lunch with my a friend and family, and had some leftovers for dinner as well. Daddy is away at work, so as we speak and I feel a little nauseated but that could highly be because I wasn't really wow about the momos and I could have over stuffed myself to feed my hunger than craving or because it tasted delicious.

Dear baby, we hope we are not pregnant but if we are, we can't wait to meet you!


*11 June 2013

Thursday, August 1, 2013

Sleep, my hateful love

I find myself sleeping more hours of the day than I don't. 20 minutes up on my feet has me down for a nap of 20 minutes plus another hour and a half and some more. How dare I even call it a nap anymore? 

Thus, with such a syndrome, it's doubtful I will be very instrumental in moving any mountains around the world, might the mountain be just right beside my bedside or finishing a textbook and gaining some knowledge for my examination around the corner. Life is such. It's a continuous dragging effect of slumber and eating too much and feeling like I have already moved the mountain and climbed it up and down. I am literally drained off all my energy after washing just a plate. Like seriously!

It could be a thyroid problem, I could be a chemotherapy patient, I could have some bad bad horrid blood circulation, I could be pregnant, I could be sleep-walking all night with zombies that I wake up more tired than the night before, I could simply be the most laziest person the world has ever faced, or god help me, I could be studying a little too hard! My defence is, I am just so bloody exhausted so forgiveness goes a long way.

I have my darling gentleman feed me fries and burgers sometimes in the middle of the night because I am so goddamn tired but still famished doing next to nothing, to do any form of mechanisms with my arms. That's how terrible it is. Oh bless that man's big-little heart! And he does the laundry around the house as well, so whenever I change my bed sheets with a new one, I have to search for the pillow covers and matching quilt all over the place to only find them still stranded in the bottom of the dirty laundry basket. What do I get out of his love? A bed full of fresh but mismatched pillow cases and bed spreads to quilt cover and dishes which are yummy but look strangely like how our dog Tommy's meal. God, forgive me, but I almost hate that man as much as I adore him! He obviously hates me, he says, "Oh you are worst than me, a woman should behave like a woman and its not excusable for a woman to ever behave like a man at any time of the day." I hope he one day climbs Mount Everest without so much of a training and come home to a pile of dishes and laundry to do and we will talk about who the throne of laziness belongs to...though, even at that point, it could still scantily belong to me.

With love,
The ultra-lazy one