Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Sleepless night ranting

10.25pm. It pretty much feels weird to be me right now. For the last one and a half hour, I have been trying to sleep. I don't believe in the counting of sheep or coaxing myself to sleep, because if my mind is wide awake, it is wide awake so I ended up reading a lot of articles on Thought Catalog, got inspired to write a few pieces myself and then, got uninspired again when I flipped open the laptop's screen and my thoughts went blank as I desperately tired to type out some words, if just for the sake of it until it got to the moment of frustration when I simultaneously pressed on to 'Ctrl' and 'A' and almost too quickly pressed 'Delete'. When I get stuck, I just feel like a worthless piece of human waste. 

And I am stuck now. I am writing because I need to write to clear my mind of whatever that is haunting it. You might think I know what it is that is on my mind but I don't. I will never know because it is not just one mantra chanted over and over again, my mind is far from a sweet melodies. If I am to compare my mind to the rhythm of music then, my mind is House Music with heavy rapping and then suddenly it goes to Blues before it soberly turns into good ol' Rock and Roll and then the jumbling of the genres in the next couple of hours before my mind finally wears out and bless the God, I fall asleep. I am just a troubled little girl with infinite thoughts.

One thought that could be keeping me up should be the invention of the driverless car probably penetrating markets in the next decade or so and how brilliantly the article was written on The Economist.  It was so well-written, I got affected by it in ways it shouldn't daunt me this much but it did. I am such an emotionally charged person, when something gets to me, all my cells are just gossiping with each other about what is happening. If only for tonight they would keep quiet because the cores of my bones are aching from the overwork on my muscles. The other thing that keeps me up all the time is the inevitable future. I wish I would just be reckless and not give a fuck about anything and just live in the moment. I am not like that, not a chance of that happening even in a billion years and even if I give the universe a billion dollars. 

I could watch a movie but I lack patience and characters talk too slowly and pictures slide by too slowly, like just cut the crap and just tell me like it is instead of going in circles because, again, I lack patience. I hate watching movies surely because most of them have too many irrelevant scenes in them and almost all have idiot endings. Also because every time I watch a movie, I cannot stop thinking every other second that such things doesn't happen in real life and thus, watching it, is not beneficial to educating my mind and instead it is polluting my mind. The recent one I watched was 'The Descendant' because George Gorgeous Clooney is in it but they wasted a lot of time on visual play and I basically hated George in ugly Hawaiian prints and the cliche rich  stories that Korean dramas have aced in. I just expect much more creativity from Hollywood, after all they have produced great movies like Requiem for a Dream and Pulp Fiction.  If I choose to watch something intellectual, then I am back to what driverless car is doing to me. I could read a book but the moment my eyes hit the bright glaring screen of the iPad because I haven't been able to download ePub files which basically means I cannot use iBooks' inbuilt innovations of night-read mode with the PDFs I have downloaded, I am squinting my eyes by 30s and in the next two minutes, I am feeling drowsy and the moment I put my fancy gadget down and call it a night, brain talks and cells start gossiping. Bright glaring screen excels at sleep mockery and movies just makes me hate myself that my life is not as perfect as movies portray it to be despite knowing reel life is not reality. I am a perpetual self-contradiction.

I feel sleep beckoning me. Maybe, I should give this sleep-call a go because it is 11.05pm now and my alarm clock is set to go off at 5am tomorrow. A plane is flying pass the sky above me, my bladder a little too heavy for a peaceful sleep. If I go to the toilet, I will lose sleep and if I don't, I will lose sleep, too. I should try counting the number of words in my favorite quotes the next time I cannot fall asleep, maybe that is just what I will do now.


No comments:

Post a Comment