Monday, November 26, 2012

Circle of love

Towards the end of the year, I always get too excited for something - my birthday! I am just a kid, I love celebrating my birthday with a huge fanfare, and I don't think I will ever grow out of it. I love hanging those kiddish, lame Happy Birthday decorations all around and wear silly hats. I love blowing out numbered candles and not those longish candles. I love it more when the blown out wick, lights up again two to three times more. I like choosing my own cake (that is how irksome I can get), and cupcakes. I am a huge cupcakes fan! While a lot dread adding a year to their age, I am forever endearing towards it. I have something about turning old. I want to know how I would be like when I am 40, how my thoughts would be like, if I would grow up to be wiser or just be more rebellious, choosing to not care for other opinions because I would know better with experience. I reckon, I will just be more rebellion than ever. How I would look with greying hair and if I will even have grey hair at all. And if I don't have grey hair, would honey brown dyed hair suit my face crumbled with wrinkles in every space it finds? I want to smile and have lines that tells my history; if I had a hard life or if I had an easy one, I want to see those lines and I want them to vouch for the life I led.

At the age I am, I am curiously defiant. I want to discover things for myself, I want to learn for myself the hard way round. But I have too many love ones around me, always cushioning my feet so I don't step into a puddle. I am not even allowed to step in the puddle and enjoy the beautiful, humbling reminiscent of the thunder storm. Every time I land in rain, someone always brings me the umbrella and I shout for the umbrella too, well, because I know I can be protected. Being the youngest girl in the family has me loved, and restrained. I know I can always go running to my dad if I land in deep shit. He fixes things with the finest skills. And if I need some comfort, I go to my four sisters, my best friends. My brother when I need a little extra love, he pacifies me with his once in a blue moon lucky strike of good food if not, it is just still-edible-out-of-desperation kind of a cute baby's vomit. If I need a lot of comforting especially when I am sick, mom is the only key and I always cry like a baby when I talk to her, without fail and within a few minutes, she would have me cracking in laughter. Let's not even go into gentleman's protection. He is my traffic police, doesn't let me cross the roads without looking left right, doesn't let me walk in the middle of the road even if I claim it's my father's road, doesn't let me walk on the roads at all and insists I walk on the pavements. All he lets me handle is bargaining. He thinks I will die, so let me, I think. Let me learn my mistakes in heaven or hell.

Last year, I wanted to go backpacking around the world. Write and earn money as a travel writer, be a globe trekker and be content simply with being my only trusty friend for a long time. Sisters backed down my plan before I even started to pack up my laptop and a small haversack. Dad would have killed me if he knew what I was up to. I would have learned a lot on that self-discovery journey, if only they had let me go. Let me go and die, if I was to die. And if I don't get visa for the country I want to enter, then there are other countries. I want to taste my own freedom but no one lets me. I want to hurt my knees when I fall, but I am held tightly around a circle of love and it is impossible to fall down when everyone is holding you up by the arms and supporting your every move. All of which is a good thing but I want to be my own teacher or witness me blame everyone for even the tiniest turbulence in my life. 

Now, I don't have a fascination with death or anything satanic as that, though I am obsessed with escapism. It's just that, if I want to live my life in a certain way, let me and if I were to endanger myself in the process, let it be. Let everything be. Just let me live life how I want to. I will handle all my struggles. They all call me selfish but I am not. I have been loved and I have learned to love, and while it is just wickedly affable, I just want to discover and just discover and be my only person to depend on. I want to learn new things. I hate confinement. I hate restriction. I hate people thinking I know nothing. People actually think I am rather stupid. My dad says I am a bird brain. Of course he would and I wouldn't blame him. I have made the most stupidest mistakes with him. This is making me laugh, thinking of the silliest mistakes of mine he endured through. 

So, we are 35 days away from my birthday.  I have always loved my birthday, maybe, it wouldn't have been so special had it not fallen on New Year's Day. A year older, my age is not something I want to reveal to the crowd because I think when people know the age, they tend to directly and blindly associate how much you know, the lesser the number, the lesser you know as well as the height of ones' arrogance. As I get older, I know I can't run away from love, and family is the most important thing in the world. I haven't ever tried to live life on my own terms even though I have every way and reason to do it now. I guess in a lot of ways, I am just afraid of living life without the umbrella. Even when I am 40, I won't dare to break the family circle. I have realised that much importance now. Maybe on second thought, when I turn 40, I won't be the rebellious kind, I will be wiser.


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