Thursday, March 28, 2013

A bitch-fit throwing lover

If I were to visualise the internals of my brain, it's pretty darn simple. I open up the top half of my skull and in it, I see a brain - of course - and I see a plain white nothingness right in the centre of it all and at the edges of the oval-shaped brain, I see some active redness. The redness are the creativity in me striving to come out and overwhelm the plain whiteness but when, what seems like 92% of my brain is just wilting away, the active redness is starting to turn a shade of pinkish-purple. But, look at me trying, trying very hard to just jumble up a few strings of words.

In the past two months, I have written very few, unlike the typing mechanism I usually am. I have sent a few articles to work and then shortly recalled them back and didn't give them publishing rights. I have been very disappointed with what I have been writing. I am in a state of nothingness, in a state of disappearing. I breathe in and out like a normal person would do, but inside me, there is no flame burning for me. There should be flame burning in everyone.

I am writing now because I need to write. I have to force myself to write. I can't die now. I am overcoming the plain whiteness. I cannot let it defeat me. The only reason why I feel like I am in dark murky water is solely because I haven't been writing and any writer can tell you that is how they feel when they don't write for a long stretch of time. It is not because they don't want to write, if anything, I want to get back to writing so badly but you know, when I am whining all the time about how I feel so depressed, I fail to see myself as an impressive human being and for me to be able to elucidate my emotions, I need to feel all sorts of awesomeness! Besides, no one wants to read about depression.

I have been whining like a major bitch and gentleman has been absurdly amazing in handling me. I have been crying all the time, because that is what I do best. I cry a lot and often. Everyone should cry. I am very emotional. I like to think I am 10 times more emotional than anyone and I like to think it's true. If I am happy, I am 10 times happier than anyone has been and if I am sad, I am 10 times as sad. I feel too much and trust me, I want to be the kind of person who doesn't give a fuck about anything but I am the person who thinks too much and too aloud. If I choose to go silent, people get worried because a loud person like me never stays quiet for too long and if I talk it out, my thoughts and words are not nice. I want to be the person who can just stay calm but I can't be her. If something doesn't go in my way, I throw a bitch-fit. I have always been this person and I will always be her.

You can't blame me either. It's self-preservation of some kind and a defence mechanism. I am a hermit crab with soft insides and hard outer cover. And I think it is because gentleman knows this that's why he is so tolerant of me. It's not his problem that I can't control my emotions but he makes half of my whole problem his and he apologises for me. I know I can do better than just use him however I want to. I have so much teenage angst in me. I had such an easy time growing up unlike most. I didn't get heart breaks, was a good student and good at everything I put my hands in (except maths but even that went fine) and I didn't have body issues like 99.99999% of teenage girls, not that I was fit and slim. I had hair issues because I couldn't tame my fizzy hair but  I just tied it up in a bun and lived life and didn't let it hold me down and over time, my unruly hair suddenly became one of the best features in me. What I am having here, is a post-teenage angst in me.

A few days ago, I decided what I wanted to do with life and I finally felt well and alive. I feel so good right now that I walked to the supermarket yesterday and swung my grocery bags in twirls as I walked with an oomph in every step I took. I even sang songs aloud, whenever I thought I was alone. I feel recovered now but I don't see the bitch-fit throwing person going anywhere because I have a man in my life who loves me even when I am crying and so lost.

With love,

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

I feel like marigold.

An ugly habit has developed in me or maybe, it is a habit that has always been a trait of mine but I never had time to notice until recently. Lately, I have started taking notice of how I clench my jaws tightly all the time and I find the deeper my thoughts are at the moment, the tighter the clench is and whenever I release the tension when I  finally become aware, my jawlines are exhausted. I can only think of how much damage is being done to my entire mouth. I have also noticed I tend to take more time brushing the left side of my teeth than the right side. I have taken points and try to spend equal time on each sides, front and insides. I have noticed a lot of things about my oral functioning in these two months. How if I brush my teeth immediately after breakfast, I am more likely to throw up and its disgusting because nothing is digested yet and when vomit mixes with all the brushing-Colgate-plenty-of-germs-and-plaque residues, which if anything, makes me throw up more. Every day is a lesson.

In the number of years I have lived, I have been slowly unveiling myself like a bud of  a plant, from the first signs of a tiny bud to the beginning of flowering where a hint of color petal shows and you are glad of the color species it is, because you were afraid it might be from the species of another - color - alleles. Over time, the flower blooms and you see the shape of the petals and you can touch the softness of it, you can even smell the fragrance it rewards. As expected of the plant, more and more flowers changes the mood of the boring greenness of life and one day, in the fullness of time, the last flower hangs down and dries up. This plant I am talking about is not a seasonal plant and does not go into remission until the next Summer. This plant I am talking about, its root withers and breakdowns and turn into debris and eventually into soil waste. I feel like this annual plant. A hydrangeas can last throughout winter into Spring and blooms again during the warmer days, marigold can't. I feel like marigold.

As a young little girl, I wasn't very ambition - or ambition at all. I was definitely not studious and I wasn't sporty which means I wasn't into sports. If I was good at one thing, it was day-dreaming. I was always a wandering soul, having teachers chasing me around for failing my dictation and spelling exams. Surprisingly, I was better in Mathematics when I was younger than I was in English. I frequently slept in classes in a classy way, making telescopes with my Pets course book and pretending to be looking through the hole, onto the whiteboard when actually both my eyes were closed and totally resting in an entirely different world altogether. Like most lazy students, I was only hyper active during recess. I am a very late bloomer.

As an young adult now, I am discovering my earnest hate for shopping and anything skin tight. I am discovering I don't need to pretend to like everything and everyone but I have to. That it is alright to be afraid and if I don't move my ass, time still passes on but I don't want to move my ass until I am certain it is what I want to do. This is the part in the horror movie where people are screaming for me to run, because the killer is right behind me, what they don't know is that, it is a goddamn movie and the director can make the killer come out of anywhere and there can be more than one killer. I am the girl in the horror movie, someone is directing and so if the rest could just keep quiet while I plan out a strategy to outdo all evil on path, it would be good. Thanks.

P.s: I am watching reruns of Grey's Anatomy and Fringe and obsessed with Game of Thrones, which could partially be the reason why I am stalling and waking up to crumbles of my moral esteem collecting around me. I also have a season of Gossip Girl I haven't watched yet.