Friday, December 11, 2015

A mommy's journal

Here I am...writing again.

I am stuck. The bub is almost two and I am getting grey. It's been too long since the last post that today, I decided, "Hey, let's move on...and create a more mummy-related blog, and make it a private one so no one will read and no one gets to criticize the way I have chosen to live life, and the way I have chosen to build my family." I wanted to be an enigma.

It was all cool and I had already came up with an interesting address but the only way I could open another blogspot was to use another e-mail address. I am not the one who likes to juggle five e-mail addresses and 10 passwords. So here, I had to stick to my gun.

How has life been since the baby arrived?

Fucking tough.

The only time I get to catch a breather is never. Raising a kid is full on duties. Being a full-time housewife is a whole wave of waves, even when you don't want the waves because you came to the beach to enjoy the salty air and sound of waves, but nope, being a full-time housewife means the waves will encroach you even when you are 20km away from sea.

I am feeling deep-seeded anger at the moment. It's like my teenage angst never left me. I was an adult since I was a baby. That is what happens when you grow up with four older sisters and you are wearing woman clothes since 13.

I married young and I married high...and came right down under. What a slogan! Brilliant, needless to say! Marriage? Pfft, I would never do it again in this life time...of course, and hell, I would never do it in my seven lives after. But then again, I am writing this while I am nursing my frustrations of being wet from the bloody waves.

Life has changed tails and heads, oceans and mountains, night and day, burnt and raw, wind and sunshine. I find it amazing, at almost 26 (oh yes, those who have been guessing my age forever now...low behold!) I have a wonderful bundle of joy (who is, thankfully, very bilingual), a husband who loves me most of the times and I think I love most of the times...and a beautiful home and an establishing edible garden among an array of beautiful young flowers, what more would I want? Maybe it's a weight-issue thing that's pissing me off. Or maybe it's finance...because even in the best of times, money is always dry when you are a single-income family but we have learnt to live quite happily with or without the extra $1000 lying in our saving accounts. But I will say, its mostly my lack of independence and career directions, that is making me feel like a toss between wilted flowers and rotten kebab.

How do I feel now that I have all this written down?

The same way I felt when I started. Very pessimistic. I guess it's either instant noodles for dinner or burgers from Hungry Jacks tonight...I mean that 8kg is not going to shake off even if I had only oatmeal-fruit smoothie.


P.s Please take this with a pinch of salt.