Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Doubt and assurance; Actual 4.5 weeks

Dear bub,

We received a call from our doctor in the morning, it was an exciting one! Your Daddy was right beside me in bed while the doctor told me the results came out positive, and I echoed back, "It came back positive!" He didn't seem excited or anything but the moment I put the phone down and place my phone away, your Daddy gave me too many kisses. Your Daddy is the happiest man alive and I am so glad you are the reason.   Before the call, we were halfway there believing it.

But he also mentioned that we are so early into the pregnancy with my low HCG level, with you being at just four weeks along; this gives us another 36 months of wait to hold you! I had initially counted it to be 5-6 weeks along but maybe I got a little way too ahead of myself (well, you know child, how excited I can get!) This also sends me into a wave of relief because I was feeling bad I wasn't already on the vitamin and folic acid pills before we had you in our lives, now it gives me a few days to a week to comfort my guilt.

The low HCG level also brings to why I am not getting any symptoms except a bugging want to eat burgers and meat, and not in a lady-like manner but in a very caveman kind of a way. Something tells me you are a boy. Old Wives' Tales  says signs like those are all boy-carrying and oh yes, salty food and spicy food! Having zero to none morning symptoms yet also points to carrying a male child but, maybe we are taking about hatching eggs far too early! Well, I hope you are a boy for many reasons, especially atypical in our culture of having a son to carry on the family's pride and wealth but your Daddy for some reason wishes our first child to be a girl - this I suppose is most father's wishes.

You know how every Biology lesson I took regarding pregnancy doesn't prepare one for what they are really into. Its all tricky, web-like structure. There is a million little things floating in my mind about how we are going to raise you. I plan on being a working mom and I wonder if it does make you think I don't want to spend time with you or your siblings. I know I need to work and be a dreamer of both my children and my own success and see all of our dreams come true. Does this make me sound selfish? All these thoughts makes me feel like a really bad and undeserving mother, my stay-at-home sisters don't make it easier for me.   I will make it clear right now that it is essentially not for the money I want to join the workforce once you are about six months old, but for my need to be someone I am proud of, someone you will be proud of as well. I know you will be proud of me as a stay-at-home mom as well but I guess you need to meet me to know the kind of a woman I am. Your Daddy is the most magically thing that happened to me. He understands me in and out and you and I are the luckiest to have him in our lives because he is a ridiculously gracious man. I feel really blessed. There's breastfeeding and the type of environment we want to nurture you in. Your Daddy says I think too far ahead (and of course, he is right because he is Mr-Forever-Right we are only one month down the count down!) As long as your Daddy thinks I will be a good mother to you, I am assured.

With love,

*18 June 2013

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