Monday, August 26, 2013

Baby at six weeks

Dear sesame seed,

I am still the normal - no symptoms of you on the way and somehow it is starting to frighten me if you are still there, pumping your soft little sweet heart. I feel you are a girl now. Okay, maybe the symptoms are starting. I have been getting real feisty and weepy. I was pretty much an emotional roller coaster before we conceived you but now, its like triple the drama and your Daddy is not all that happy about it.

For the last two nights, I keep getting sour stomach, when I lie down in bed. Sour stomach like when you have gastric flu and your burp smells like rotten greenish eggs, except that it is without the burp so most times I get very frustrated. I guess what you call that symptom is queasy, almost on the verge of throwing up. So far bub, I haven't thrown up yet which is only a good thing because you are getting all the nutrients and vitamins you need, especially at night when I take those special pills for pregnant mothers-to-be. I could also be starting to have swollen fingers because my wedding ring doesn't feel as comfortable as it used to and I feel like it is restricting blood flow in my ring finger but it is still not dangerously tight and I am not removing it as of yet because I couldn't stand the sight of my hand without it and I don't think it will be any different with you in the picture. I also am no longer in love with the idea of yellow dhal and bhat with Nepali masu.  Its not really the lentils and meat, definitely not the meat, but more appropriately the rice! I, no longer, wish to eat rice at all.

This morning I had fixed sardines with baked beans and carrots to be served with brown rice for lunch but all I could manage was a few bites and I gave up. It didn't taste good at all. I have stashed it away in the fridge and hopefully, your Daddy will finish it for me. And then, I got really weepy because all I am crazily craving for is thin-crusted pizzas and BBQ chicken with coriander-tomato chutney, so much so that I am literally salivating as I type. When I don't get to eat the food I want, everything taste like it is the worst food in the world and I don't even want to put it near my mouth. Your Daddy hasn't gotten this part because he thinks these cravings are things that you can feed along the way and it irritates me. I am still obsessed with Whooper burgers though, without the pickles, tomatoes, onions and most of the lettuce and the sour ketchup but I can't even finish one burger properly, forget the entire meal which I used to easily eat it whole before I fell pregnant. I would know because when we got hungry in the middle of the night, your Daddy would drive us to the nearest 24 hours Hungry Jacks and I would be gobbling up most of the fries while your Daddy finds a suitable place for him to stop so he can join in the food feast as well.

It is probably because of the sheer small size my stomach has gotten that every two hours I am hungry. Just for instance, today, my food diary is like this:

Breakfast of milo and two slices of toast with strawberry jam
A few bites of sardine and brown rice for lunch
A whole pear and half of an avocado
A handful and a half of almonds and walnuts
A cup of milo with eight cream crackers biscuits
A bowl of brown rice with a stir-fry of spinach-tofu and chopping cashews for dinner

And low behold, I am actually thinking of what else I can eat because I feel myself getting hungry. Even one hour maybe, instead of every two hours. I am already thinking how yummy Milo would be with more biscuits! This way, I will be putting more weight than we both can imagine, need to and it really wouldn't be ideal because I already wasn't at the perfect weight I had wanted to be when we conceived you. But eat I have to. Your Daddy is worried I am not eating enough and of course he should be, because I was never a snack-eater, so having to get into the habit of eating 7-10 small meals is something I really have got to get used to. If I don't eat then I start to get the same sour stomach and I am so lazy to get out of bed on these cold days to grab food in the middle of the night. For the last two days, I have been squeamish and amazingly every time your Daddy rubs you and tells you to calm down and let me go to sleep, things happen and I feel soothed and all that anxiety and irritability disappears as quickly as it appeared. You must have been wanting your Daddy's loving to put me in such distress and it is only fine by right for you to want all that because when he talks to you, I know he loves you more than the world beyond.

There are a lot of things going on in my head at the moment and I hope with all my heart that you forgive me for everything I am putting you through and I hope with all my life that you are shielded from all the emotional stress I am indirectly and not willingly placed upon you.

With love,
Mummy

*24/06/2013

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